Can you hear me now?

Kate has been really good at memorizing her Bible verses from church lately. She usually knows each one before she walks out of the classroom and she repeats them randomly throughout the week. Last week, her verse was, "I listen carefully to what God is saying."

So the other night at prayer time, just after Kate thanked God for her pillows, blankets, butterflies, garden, sister, camera, friends, roly poly,and on and on and on (and I was almost completely tuned out), her voice got firm and serious and she said:

"And God, I've been listening carefully to what you are saying, but I don't think you're talking loud enough because I can't hear you down here." And then she looked at me and giggled.

Oh my goodness, I almost peed my pants.

How many times have I wanted God to just "talk" a little louder? Should I build this house? Should I take this job? Am I ready to have a baby? Why am I not getting pregnant? Why aren't you answering my prayers? Can I please get an epidural the next time around? How can I be a better mother? Should I quit my job? What teacher will be best for Kate? How can I teach Ellie to share more? Should we really buy a boat? Should we try for Baby #3? And my list of questions goes on and on and on. I want answers. I want real, live answers from the One who wrote the entire book of my life.

Sometimes, I just want Him to talk a little louder. I want to be able to say, "Ten four, I heard ya loud and clear...over and out, Good Buddy."

And so the other night I giggled with Kate, realizing that her five-year-old, little girl self isn't all that different from my thirty-five-year-old grown-up self...

We just want to "hear" Him, loud and clear.

God's Plan?!?

I think I've mentioned before that Steve and I are in a small group at our church. We were asked to join the small group in 2003, and quite honestly, we almost said no. We just couldn't picture ourselves in a group of "Super Christians." You know, the kind of people who have monogramed carriers for their well-worn Bibles (no offense to those of you who own a monogrammed Bible carrier, because I'm envious of and intimated by you, all at the same time). It's just that Steve and I didn't even own a Bible at that point, even though we had been going to church for three years. We just didn't think we'd fit in with the "Super Christians." And so, our immediate reaction was to say no.

However, at the same time, we were in the middle of our struggle with infertility, and we desperately wanted a baby. We were at a place in our lives where we were in need of some hope, some support, some...well, something. And (since I'm being completely honest here), I figured it couldn't hurt to spend some time with the "Super Christians" (because, in my mind, God might just hear the prayers of the "Super Christians" and grant us our one wish). And so, for completely selfish and ridiculous reasons, we found ourselves saying "Yes" to the small group (and making an immediate trip to LifeWay to purchase our very first Bible).

I know, now, that all of it was part of God's plan for our lives. Our struggle with infertility caused us to go out on a limb. God used our selfish desires to draw us closer to Him. We met the "Super Christians" and learned that they were pretty much the same as us. We bought a Bible and we actually started reading it. We discussed God's ways and God's truth, and we all prayed hard for Steve and I to have a baby.

I will never forget the night that Steve and I told our small group that our first IVF cycle didn't work. That night, before our Bible study, every member of the group prayed for us (out loud). I sat there with tears streaming down my face, knowing that our pain was shared by others and that our friends would continue to lift us up to the Lord. I will also never forget the day I walked into small group, with a ginormously round belly, to see the most beautiful baby shower, complete with a three-tiered pink cake, a college-fund piggy bank, a basket of gifts, and some crazy fun shower games that still make me laugh just thinking about them (picture grown men in a race to see who can chug apple juice from a baby bottle the fastest...very funny).

Over the years, our small group has changed. New couples have joined as others have moved on. Today, there are three couples in the group and we have all gotten to know each other very well. And so, because of my comfort level with the group, I decided that I would suggest the book that we should read this spring. It's a big step for me, going out on a limb again to suggest a Christian book that I had heard about over my lunch hour on a Christian radio talk show.

The books arrived this week, and I anxiously started flipping through the pages. My eyes about popped out of my head when I saw Chapter 7: Punctuating Her Period. Oh my. So, apparently, this book is for Moms to help guide their little girls...except our small group is a couples thing and the guys participate as much as the girls.

This blog post is my way of telling my small group about my mistake. Apparently, this spring, thanks to my brilliant book choice, the "Super Christians" will be discussing menstruation (and other girly, girl topics). We have moved from infertility, to baby showers, to discussing our daughters and their upcoming menstrual cycles. I just hope, that after reading this post, they will agree that God always has a plan for us (even when we make mistakes). And, at the very least, our upcoming small group meetings should be quite entertaining, right?

So, Katie & Kristi, when can I drop off your books? I'm sure your husbands will be excited to start reading : )

"I so happy"

As boxes and bows and wrapping paper took over the room on Christmas morning, one tiny little two-year-old girl dressed in bright red Christmas jammies looked at me and said "I so happy, mama." My heart melted and my eyes got teary and I realized, for the millionth time this year, how incredibly blessed I am.

Christmas wasn't always so happy for us. In 2003, on Christmas Eve, I took the first test in what was to become my very extensive pregnancy testing career (So extensive, in fact, that I thought about adding it to my resume - Certified Pregnancy Testing Expert - can pee on a stick in any bathroom - public, private, or otherwise, in the dark, with one hand behind my back). That very first test...it was positive. Two pink lines on Christmas Eve. I ran to Walmart and bought a little yellow bib that said "Thank Heavens for Little Babies." I wrapped it and gave it to Steve. He gave me a pregnancy book that same day, not knowing that I was pregnant, but just feeling like he needed to buy it for me. Isn't that crazy? We were thrilled and giddy and we kept our secret throughout the holiday. But a week later I had my first miscarriage. That yellow bib hung in the back of my closet for three years.

In 2005, we were finishing our first IVF cycle and we were scheduled for a pregnancy test on December 23. I was so excited to get good news at Christmas time...but the news we got wasn't good. I remember walking around that Christmas Eve, feeling so empty, so sad. I wish I could tell you that my faith in Jesus and my understanding of God's amazing gift filled my heart during those sad Christmases. But I can't. I wish I could tell you that instead of focusing on my hurts and my sad heart, that I focused on the true meaning of Christmas and allowed it to heal me. I don't think I did that. I wish I could stand as a testament to others who are facing tough times, but I can't do that either (not like this woman and this woman, both such amazing, strong, faithful believers in the midst of unimaginable circumstances). I prayed and I pleaded and I tried to cut deals and I felt a little angry that The Big Guy just wasn't answering my prayers. I was self-absorbed and looking back, I'm a little embarassed about it (which is easy to say, now that my prayers have been answered and my heart has healed).

As I think back over that time in my life, though, I can see God working on me, pursuing me, even when I was an angry, selfish, sad women with a broken heart. He didn't give up on me. He didn't punish me. He used the experience to draw me closer. I think that walking through those sad Christmases made me appreciate this one so much more. The day was filled with baby dolls and Barbie, Mr. Potatoe heads and Tinkerbell. And my heart is filled with love...both for the two sweet little girls who now share my life and the God who cared enough to pursue a selfish, angry, self-absorbed woman like me.

I feel like a little girl in new red jammies, surrounded by toys on Christmas morning. "I so happy," indeed!

Beauty in the Dead Trees...

Three days ago, I was feeling kind of sad and lonely...sounds like the start of a country music song, doesn't it? You know how I love country music (seriously, I do). Anyway, I think that sometimes we focus on the negative things in life, things that are really nothing and don't matter at all (like the ugly dead tree in our neighbor's yard - why don't they just cut that thing down? Or, come to think of it, the half dead tree in my own yard - why doesn't my husband just cut that thing down?) instead of focusing on the many, many blessings that God has given us. Well...you know what? I think God wanted me to shape up and see what a beautiful place He has provided for me...dead trees and all.

Isn't that sky amazing? I didn't go outside looking for these shots...I just went outside to spend some time on the swingset with Ellie. And I didn't expect this beautiful sunset (it hasn't happened since...believe me, I've been anxiously waiting for it every night since then). But when my spirits were low and I was focused on all the wrong things, God sent me a sunset. He made me smile on a sad and lonely day. He subtly told me to shape up and experience the joy and peace that He provides. I pray that God is real to you today...showing you that even the dead, ugly trees in your life can be beautiful.