"I so happy"

As boxes and bows and wrapping paper took over the room on Christmas morning, one tiny little two-year-old girl dressed in bright red Christmas jammies looked at me and said "I so happy, mama." My heart melted and my eyes got teary and I realized, for the millionth time this year, how incredibly blessed I am.

Christmas wasn't always so happy for us. In 2003, on Christmas Eve, I took the first test in what was to become my very extensive pregnancy testing career (So extensive, in fact, that I thought about adding it to my resume - Certified Pregnancy Testing Expert - can pee on a stick in any bathroom - public, private, or otherwise, in the dark, with one hand behind my back). That very first test...it was positive. Two pink lines on Christmas Eve. I ran to Walmart and bought a little yellow bib that said "Thank Heavens for Little Babies." I wrapped it and gave it to Steve. He gave me a pregnancy book that same day, not knowing that I was pregnant, but just feeling like he needed to buy it for me. Isn't that crazy? We were thrilled and giddy and we kept our secret throughout the holiday. But a week later I had my first miscarriage. That yellow bib hung in the back of my closet for three years.

In 2005, we were finishing our first IVF cycle and we were scheduled for a pregnancy test on December 23. I was so excited to get good news at Christmas time...but the news we got wasn't good. I remember walking around that Christmas Eve, feeling so empty, so sad. I wish I could tell you that my faith in Jesus and my understanding of God's amazing gift filled my heart during those sad Christmases. But I can't. I wish I could tell you that instead of focusing on my hurts and my sad heart, that I focused on the true meaning of Christmas and allowed it to heal me. I don't think I did that. I wish I could stand as a testament to others who are facing tough times, but I can't do that either (not like this woman and this woman, both such amazing, strong, faithful believers in the midst of unimaginable circumstances). I prayed and I pleaded and I tried to cut deals and I felt a little angry that The Big Guy just wasn't answering my prayers. I was self-absorbed and looking back, I'm a little embarassed about it (which is easy to say, now that my prayers have been answered and my heart has healed).

As I think back over that time in my life, though, I can see God working on me, pursuing me, even when I was an angry, selfish, sad women with a broken heart. He didn't give up on me. He didn't punish me. He used the experience to draw me closer. I think that walking through those sad Christmases made me appreciate this one so much more. The day was filled with baby dolls and Barbie, Mr. Potatoe heads and Tinkerbell. And my heart is filled with love...both for the two sweet little girls who now share my life and the God who cared enough to pursue a selfish, angry, self-absorbed woman like me.

I feel like a little girl in new red jammies, surrounded by toys on Christmas morning. "I so happy," indeed!